3 Signs You Still Have Trauma to Heal From (With Examples)

Sometimes, we walk away from relationships blaming the other for their obvious flaws that cost us the partnership. Other times, we pray earnestly for inner strength when we realize, in a sobering moment, that there are things we need to work on ourselves. Most times though, as it takes two hands to clap, both scenarios can co-exist.

While this article might be tough to read especially where there may be truths we need to first own internally, acceptance is undoubtedly the first step to healing. The goal here is to become a better version of ourselves so that we’d be able to show up for our families, friends, and loved ones in the best way possible.

So, take a deep breath, and let’s dive into the possible signs of trauma.

1. Age Regression

Prince Harry famously checked into therapy after an argument with his then-girlfriend, now wife, Meghan Markle, that saw him revert to a 12-year-old Harry.

What happened with Prince Harry is called age regression, where the person regresses to a younger state of mind. He was 12 when his mother, Princess Diana, died.

This occurs when an adult is overwhelmed and has no tools to communicate that distress, so reverting to childlike behavior helps them cope with the situation (trauma, stress, severe illness, or mental health disorders).

Sigmund Freud’s daughter, Anna, suggested that people psychologically regress under stress to an emotional period when they felt safer.

Examples of regressive behaviors can look like baby talk, the inability to self-soothe, whining, using a stuffed animal for comfort, temper tantrums, physical aggression, and/or even pretending not to understand, etc.

If you notice regressive behaviors in your partner:

Understand that this situation can be tricky. It’s best to wait till it has blown over, or at least after both parties have simmered down, before pointing this out to your lover in a calm and non-judgmental tone.

If he/she appears defensive, back off, and wait till another time to bring this up. If they seem receptive to you, express empathy and concern for the situation, and probe a little deeper into any traumas they may have experienced as children, if they’re willing to share. Let them know that you’d be there throughout, in a supportive role.

If you notice regressive behaviors in yourself:

First, take a moment to breathe and pat yourself on the shoulders. Allowing yourself to stare truth in the face can be difficult, and you have demonstrated immeasurable courage.

Next, ask yourself, would you like to change? If you do, talking about it with someone you trust, and journaling about the events might help. You need time to process what happened at that time and to hold space for yourself to grieve, cry, or simply feel hurt and angry.

Traumas can be quite overwhelming to unpack. Perhaps consider working with a therapist – A skilled, steady hand might help.

2. Frequent Triggers

This is an obvious sign, especially after an argument. It might take stepping back and noticing how both you and your partner are responding to each other in a heated moment.

Keep a logical view while mentally peeling the layers – There’s zero judgment in that space.

If your partner is easily triggered:

Could this be a hypersensitivity to things, or statements, or even down to the way sentences are phrased and put across? If so, recognize that such highly attuned senses can be tiring for your paramour too, and it’s not something they’re enjoying either. It could be that they’re unaware. Always give the benefit of the doubt.

Another possibility is that he/she has an anxious attachment style, and this stems from childhood with inconsistent parenting. Show compassion for them, and speak to him/her nicely about your observations, and how you can meet their needs more effectively.

If you sound easily triggered:

There’s no shame here. It’s merely a fact you’ve discovered about yourself, that’s it. Now, what can you do about it, if you’d like such tendencies not to ruin your relationship?

One way is to be very in tune with yourself. Notice when you’re triggered, and annoyed. Tell yourself to pause and sit with it. Dig deeper to find the reason why you’re triggered in the first place. (It could not have been the person’s intention to trigger you.)

Drawing a mind map of your thought processes might aid in your self-discovery.

Ask for help at any point if this feels too heavy to carry alone. Explain the situation to your mate, and seek their understanding, patience, and support.

3. Living in the Past

If you’re living in the past, or someone around you is, it’ll be painfully evident.

This can show up in several ways, including frequent nostalgia, self-blame, holding grudges and even plotting revenge, resisting change, constantly drawing comparisons, and most glaringly of all, there seems to be nothing to look forward to.

If your partner lives in the past:

Point that out lovingly, and ask if they need time and space to process. If talking through it helps, lend a listening ear.

If you live in the past:

Recognize that you’ve already gone through that experience once. There’s no need to put yourself through that incident and the emotions tagged to it repeatedly. You deserve happiness too.

It takes time to let go, especially of huge grievances, and/or of immense heartbreak and disappointment. Give yourself that time, and speak to yourself kindly, as you would to a cherished friend.

You can also read more about how to stop bringing up the past in a relationship. 

Resistance is the enemy of change, and yet change is the only constant.

Learning to flow with life is part and parcel of our journeys here on Earth. Positive experiences can be disguised as negative ones, even in the form of much pain. They do however highlight shadow aspects where we need the most healing. Once we’re able to let go of a situation and/or person that no longer serves us and our highest good, we willingly shed those old skins. We’re reborn, and a step closer to remembering our Soul purpose.