Should You Feel A Spark On The First Date?
A Match survey found that 78% of 5,000 people felt romantic chemistry during a video date.
Should you feel an instant spark on your first date too?
While most can feel a romantic spark on a first date, either of you could be feeling nerves or extreme introversion which needs time to warm up. It wouldn’t hurt to give the person a shot at a second or third date, even without any instant chemistry, to give both parties to be a desirable match and long-term partner!
What if you go on a first date and feel none of that high?
Experts have suggested that sometimes the slow-burn kind of love lasts much longer, compared to ones that started based on fireworks at the beginning.
The awkward first date could also be attributed to nerves, and/or even extreme introversion which might just take some time to warm up.
In this fast-paced society where everyone seems drawn to the next dazzling thing, seduced to pursue the next high, in a world where the true essence of love is lost, we can as a collective allow a new kind of love to emerge – Not from a heady, romantic sense, but one from a true, authentic connection that goes beyond the first throes of romance.
Imagine this: You get all dressed up, go on a first date not expecting much at all, and you meet this gorgeous date who takes your breath away.
- You’re suddenly more interested, more engaged than usual. You laugh at everything he/she says. You get butterflies in your stomach, nervous from the presence of any sexual tension. You get all flirtatious, hoping your date would reciprocate in kind.
- Or maybe you find your date witty, humorous, and highly attentive towards you, and both of you might be able to speak endlessly on a range of common interests that leads you to think you’ve met a kindred soul.
There it is, that ‘spark’ we’re all looking for. That sizzling chemistry, that exciting initial connection, that titillating physical attraction.
Before you call it a day in the absence of that ‘spark’, especially if you’ve somewhat enjoyed the date, let’s evaluate the following:
Shared Core Values
Even without a first-date spark, you can have shared core values. Having common ground remains key to long-lasting relationships. A compatible partner remains at the core of marriage success, more so than momentary lust, natural aphrodisiac, or even love and connection.
Of course, before you evaluate this, it is the assumption you already understand what matters to you. The common wisdom is to find people with the common values like loyalty, honesty, transparency, and openness.
Could you be attracted to the same type of partner repeatedly?
This might be a rather uncomfortable reality to face, but are you just having courtesy dates?
If you’ve looked back and noticed the same patterns emerging in your choice of partners – their toxic behavioral traits, etc, it might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate your selection process.
It could also point to something within you that needs healing before you’re able to attract different partners, people who are good for you. If that is the case, do not be afraid to do the inner work required, because that is the only way to elevate.
Similar Relationship Goals / Life Stage
Does your date want the same things you do even without any instantaneous spark? That’s a pertinent question for deeper conversations and shared experiences that can generate future sparks.
Do not hesitate to ask questions at the beginning to judge these things, as that is the only way to find out. Listen to the non-verbal cues as much as the verbal cues too – they should align perfectly.
With someone where you pick up conflicting cues i.e. If the person says that they’re looking for something serious, but behaves flippantly, unreliably and their recent history seems filled with one-night stands, leave the person’s confusion with themselves, and move along your way. That does not sound like someone you should ideally be wasting your time with.
Conflict Resolution & Attachment Styles
Rather than focus on the cuddle hormone, use your social intuition to assess the compatibility of your conflict resolutions and attachment styles as they can determine the success of a couple during future struggles.
You must consider conflict resolution styles rather than signs of chemistry.
For example, if Party A prefers to discuss things now, and Party B prefers to run and give the silent treatment, which only frustrates Party A more, then all both parties are doing is just triggering each other all the time.
You should also consider attachment styles rather than chemistry in person
If Party A is Anxious, and Party B is an Avoidant. Because of their attachment styles, the Anxious type tends to employ activating strategies to get closer to resolving the discomfort, while Avoidants employ deactivating strategies where they put space between and shut down.
For a peaceful relationship, differences must be able to co-exist harmoniously.
That is not to say that Anxious-Avoidant relationships are doomed for failure from the beginning, but it might be a pretty uphill climb because it would involve both parties sitting down and coming to a compromise.
For example, Party A has to understand Party B’s coping mechanisms and allow him/her time despite A’s clear discomfort. B has to probably agree to give a set time limit and communicate that across, before taking time and space. Both will undoubtedly feel a lot of discomfort at the beginning of this process.
If both happen to have similar conflict resolution styles, that would be ideal because it translates to a higher chance of succeeding in a relationship.
That warm buzz of spark undoubtedly seems to whisper hopes of this chemistry developing into something longer-term. Of course, this is all very promising and appealing, especially if you’re looking for something only in the short term.
In fact, emotional connection are harder to achieve than feeling a spark with 53% of men feeling it by the second date, compared to only 38% of women.
For those who are evaluating a long-term relationship though, if we were to explore what happens after the initial infatuation has faded, would the people you once thought you had shared a ‘great connection’ with still be truly suited for you?
Efforts have been made to get the information as accurate and updated as possible. If you found any incorrect information with credible source, please send it via the contact us form
Deborah Choo loves discussing relationships, platonic or not, as that remains at the heart of human existence. She draws upon learnings from couples’ counselling, and continues to celebrate an incredible journey of growth.