Reflective Listening for Couples

We all know what a valuable skill listening is.

In a 2018 study by researchers in Switzerland, Germany, and The United States, 365 couples were observed during an 8-minute conversation where one of the partners would share a stressful experience they’d had.

During the study, observers rated how attentive would the listening party would be to their lovers’ stress signals. It is no surprise that the couples where the listening partner was more attentive reported higher relationship satisfaction, and they were more stress-resilient as a couple.

• Couples save time and frustration by being able to accurately understand to offer a solution to his/her partner that fits what the other party requires.
• Couples who practice effective listening foster loyalty among each other as they feel that they are important and that what they say is valued.

Listening is of paramount importance in relationships as well.

What is Reflective Listening for Couples?

We’ve all heard of active listening and effective listening, but what is ‘reflective listening?

Think of reflective listening as a more intimate form of communication, and a popular tool in a therapeutic setting between a counselor and a client. It encompasses paying respectful attention to what is being expressed by the partner and then reflecting the message to the person just to confirm that what was said has been correctly understood.

Here’s an example of reflective listening:

Person A says to Person B, “Mary didn’t acknowledge me at the party we attended yesterday, and I don’t know why that is. I don’t know if I’ve offended her in any way.”

During the sharing, B is respectfully maintaining eye contact with A, giving A the attention he/she deserves. B then says to A, “You think that you could have offended Mary prior to the party, and that is why she didn’t say hi to you during the party yesterday?’

Of course, the above example involves a third party and it’s easy for both to hear each other accurately. Listening becomes infinitely harder when your companion is throwing an accusation at you, or sharing that something you’ve done hurt them.

So, if your spouse is sharing and the person is naturally defensive, you might wish to be extra careful with your words. In this scenario, practicing the mirroring technique is more advisable. This is where instead of paraphrasing, repeating the key parts of the message word for word might be a better idea.

Tips for practicing Reflective Listening

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”
– Stephen R. Covey

• Hold your fire – While this may not be easy, it will pay off. Bite your tongue for a little bit, and focus on comprehension. Do your best to avoid passing any judgments at this juncture.
• Observe non-verbal cues – Body language is as important as spoken words.
• Show compassion – Remember, you’re a team. The speaker is your teammate. Understanding your person’s feelings will go a long way.
• No Advice, please – Acknowledge and show encouragement in assisting your partner to find solutions. This isn’t about providing advice.
  

The beauty of practicing reflective listening

1. Giving the speaker your undivided attention conveys respect
   This is half the battle, especially if you ever find yourself in a heated argument – Learn to step back, calm yourself for a second, and listen without passing prejudice, or showing any passive-aggressiveness like rolling your eyes, etc. Maintain eye contact, and hold space for the person to share openly.
   
2. Helps with the listener’s understanding
   Reflective listening helps the listener stay focused during the conversation as he/she would have to repeat the ideas back to get confirmation.
   
3. Helps the speaker check for accuracy
   When hearing their ideas repeated back to them, the speaker is likely to feel heard, and that his/her feelings are validated. If there is any error in the listener’s understanding, it can be quickly corrected here as well without further escalations due to unnecessary misunderstandings.
   
4. Clarity eliminates doubts
   Giving your paramour the benefit of doubt might not always be at the forefront of one’s mind. The great thing about this method is it eliminates that need – The moment two parties have clarity, there is zero room for any miscommunication and/or misinterpretations.
   
5. Reinforces positive relationships
   Feeling heard is the precursor to getting one’s needs met. Naturally, when both parties can hear one another and seamlessly respond, happiness and relationship satisfaction would increase because both feel effortlessly supported.

In the words of author Rachel Naomi Remen:

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we give each other is our attention… A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”

The next time you have an opportunity to connect with someone, pause and listen. You can also read our post on how to save your marriage if you feel hopeless or the ingredients for a happy married life.